I have been doing this for a long time and no matter how many websites I create or ideas come out, I find myself thinking about the same thing. I am always doing or acting for others and that is unacceptable behaviour.
I guess wanting validation is human nature for all of us, we want people to notice our work, and our successes, and we want to shine in the light of others but when it becomes uncomfortable, you have to ask yourself:
Why the f / ck am I doing this?
My father passed away last week and this whole shannagins of a funeral has really upset me. I realize full-heartedly that people grieve in their way and want to remember those they loved dearly. But the fact is, dealing with death is hard enough let alone having to rest your brain long enough and then having to go parade in front of thousands of people 2 weeks after the fact because it takes the funeral people too long to prepare a body, drives me bonkers.
This also reminds me of a conversation I had with a close friend the other as she is putting on a dinner for her family today and is so uncomfortable with the situation it makes me cringe. Why do this? Why put on a show to save face for anyone? Because people judge, people remark or is it because we feel as though we owe these people something of value?
Not in the least.
I can tell you right now, that the “so-called” family I have, has not even shown me the love and compassion I need in this present moment, so why should I give them the light of day? Oh, they will say:
“your dad would want you too” – but you know what, my dad would accept my decision. I knew my dad and his thoughts and if he did not agree with something I did, I would know. Unfortunately, he isn’t here to tell me whether he is proud or not but this is about me.
I am sick to my stomach thinking that my son will be a pallbearer at this funeral but I have spoken to him and he wants to do this. Nonetheless, I don’t accept it. I have always let my children decide things for themselves and their path.
I want to take a moment to thank those people who read my blog and hope that you do what is best for you in any given situation.