One of the hardest parts of dealing with life and mental health is the idea that we need to tell our story, we need to say how we feel and express those doubts, and yet we feel judged by what others think about our mental state. The people we believe to trust the most are the ones we show our truths. In my experience, those people say they are there to listen and understand but then in one moment, they say or do something quite opposite of what they portray.
It has been quite a while since I have written anything about my feelings and emotional state and I believe this is the reaction to my recent tragedies. I have become so confused and lost by the roller coaster ride and the constant stigma in my life, that I didn’t have any straightforward thoughts.
I always go away every year to the ocean and I did not think I would but with a little stroke of luck, I was able to find myself flying out to a new place where the sun is very hot and the beaches are nothing blue ocean water and white sand.
For privacy reasons, I will not disclose my location but I can say this is quite a new place to visit.
The culture, the food, not to mention the people and tropical vegetation have inspired me to really evaluate what is going on inside my life. I have been so lost lately, no direction, no happiness and especially doubt that I knew coming here would certainly revive something. I have been here 4 days and I am not sure still about my next move but I do know that although I was able to open some lines of communication, I am still doubtful.
The hurt and frustration of my life has taught me to never underestimate the next turn of a corner and for me, the minute I try the slightest thought of happiness, a bomb falls. As childish as that sounds, it is the truth that has been laid before me. I am so grateful I was able to come to this place, I know the week isn’t over and I really hope I can find some kind of peace for myself before I return. The reality is that I am going back to the shit show life that I have and things will never change. If anything, there are circumstances that prevent me from even trying to make a better life and the only thing I need to decide now is how to approach the absolute day to day.
The channels of communication have opened and it is without a doubt an awakening but my self-stigma leaves me feeling doubtful that this is a good path. What is has done is made me realize I need to keep my mouth shut, go with the reality of my life and forget that I matter.
When I get home, my purpose will be survival of life. As I have always said, as long as the bills are paid, the money is coming in, nothing else matters. Happiness is over rated, dreams are a fantasy and people can’t be trusted. Remind yourself every day that what is being said may be for a reason and I can guarantee you, it isn’t in your best interest. It is to make others feel better about themselves.