Sunday morning thoughts running through my head. What is words? for that matter what am I all about? The one unique thing you probably don’t know about me is that used to be all about music. It didn’t matter where I was or who I was with, I had some sort of song going on and singing with that melody was always on the agenda. Yes, it has been said: “I can sing”, I just don’t share that with people and once upon a time, young and conditioned to live a life I did not want, my dream was to be a singer. I want to be on that big stag, I want the glory that comes with people loving my voice and the songs I sing.
It is a freedom I have long forgotten and put in the back of my mind. Music is suppose to fill us, it is words put to music for a reason. I had a song stuck in my head this morning, “Big Log” – I had never really listened to the words and for the first time in 30 years I did. I say thirty because I believe the first time I heard it I was 30. Rock ballads are impressive; they make us feel things. Some not so good and some regenerate a memory. It has been hard to listen to music because every time I try, I break down and cry. It isn’t easy; I listen to all types of music and it is the same thing every time. I remember my last trip in March in the Dominican, sitting around in the evening recapping our day at the beach and my brother asking me what song touches my heart and relates to my dad. It was an odd question and as he shared his moment, he started balling. Why would we put ourselves through that? I couldn’t even answer him because I know the answer all to well. The problem was, music reminds of the pain and suffering of every moment in my life time and I think I have buried it so far that at any time someone brings up a story, I don’t want to face it.
Like this morning, sitting here crying listening to soft rock ballads and thinking, why. I remember a time when I was totally in love with someone and every weekend we use to play all kinds of music. He would listen to me sing and I was happy. Once that love was destroyed, it all went away. When I met my now forever boyfriend, there are still songs that bring tears to my eyes only because happiness has left the building. What I mean by that, if you have read anything I have written, I am a total mess and find peace and happiness. Oh I pretend to smile when necessary but deep down, I am not in a good place. Some would tell you, it is no wonder with all the shit that happened in the last year but I am just one individual and I am 100% sure this planet is filled with people who are suffering time and time again. So the moral of this story today is about the words.
When you listen to a song is just the melody or the words you pay attention too? I think, things are about to change for words. I have to find a way to really bring this suffering to an end and find a way to go back to what matters, my voice, my songs and a time when I could free myself of the misery I am experiencing.