The mind can play tricks on us especially if we do not know how to compartmentalize. So I ask the question this fine Sunday:
Are Blow Jobs Easier?
Last night I had a very awakening dream, words like crazy, useless, forgotten, outcast and broken were included in this nightmare but not far from the truth of my life experiences.
Some people don’t know that I have been let down, shot down and thrown down and I can say with certainty that is very sad that these words showed up in my dreams last night. The truth is I believe it is a deep connection with my real life, people who have embedded these words and shown me that you only have one person to trust and depend on:
Yourself.
Let’s break down a few things I have learned.
Title:
something I have had and thought I wanted or needed to make me a better person. how often do you think your title makes you who you are or what you are?
Mother:
the idea of having something of my own that no one could take away. creation is a wonderful thing but as we all know, control is an illusion.
Daughter:
well, I didn’t plan that one but I expected supportive parents and did not get them. living up to someone else’s expectations is also exhausting. it can make you change the journey and see nothing but darkness.
Friendships:
again the trust thing. people have burnt me so badly that I no longer feel close to anyone. if you are lucky to have one friend, great! hold on to that moment because it doesn’t last.
Relationships:
dabble in this and that, the reality is the men in my life have been less than great and have always been missing some key elements. Besides, I was always either too much for them or living in denial that they could make me happy.
Money:
let’s face it if you don’t have any you can’t do much. the world revolves around money and power, neither of which has brought me any prosperity. It is the very essence I live for and want. I am helpless without it and am not lucky enough to even earn it.
There you have it: my version of describing how and who I feel I am. That picture isn’t pretty but it is the truth. I feel the constant pressure of having no purpose and no way in hell I am ever gonna get the things I truly want. Even my boyfriend, whom I respect dearly has let me down. Would I ever tell him that? Not only because there is no point.
Someone once said, “I feel this way because I don’t believe I deserve a good life”. Well, Mr. & Mrs. Fancy Pants, I do deserve it but it is not in the cards for me. So good luck with your bullshit and move as they say.
So that was a mouthful.
always be unconditional
Cathy