Living through tragedy and loss is a big deal. It is one of those moments when you question everything about your life, how you lived it and what you have in the present. I don’t care who you are, unless you have superpower to work out all your problems ( which doesn’t exist ) at one time or another, you have contemplated your own death. Thoughts of suicide are rare but when push comes to shove, we all have them when we feel worthless. We question everything, especially our existence. We will never admit this but I know it happens. I will be ashamed of the thoughts that run through my head because when you are really down on life, you know, it is very hard to come back up. Just when you think you can shine just a little, something or someone hits you with that trigger and then you are right back at the bottom.
I never pretend.
I would rather face the truth about my feelings than hide behind the bullshit. I know that seeing life in reality makes me understand the world and how most people are fake. They show not their true colors and that makes it difficult to understand them. I am not high maintenance, I love what I love, the simple things but I do feel I deserve better than what I currently have in my life. I don’t want to struggle, I do not want to worry about the meaningless things that I cannot change and I want peace of mind. Yes, I would like enough money to live a certain kind of life but I would not be greedy about it. Comfortable is the word I am talking about.
Turning 60
In a few months, this will happen and I have to say, I have nothing to show for it. I guess I am embarrassed about that but life did not treat me kind nor did it show me the correct process. It was only at a later date that life gave me the tools to be better and yet, with all my efforts, I still am not where I should be. You wonder why people have those thoughts I was speaking of but it is one thing that keeps me going:
My Son
Hence the title I chose. He is my life and without him, I would not be here either. I have much still to teach and guide him until one day I am satisfied he is ready. I so wanted a better life for him and I tell him at least once a week. Some kids are born with a silver spoon and others really have to work hard to even get the necessities they need for normal everyday living.
On that note, I believe life shows the journey and if this is it, then so be it. I won’t fight it, I will just continue and if life is meant to give me what I deserve, it will happen. If not, then I know I will have tried my best.
as always, live unconditionally.