i suppose that is the big question, we look back at our lives to see the present moment and why we are unhappy or struggling. i believe there is no forgiveness, i just can’t see it and some would have you believe it is the best medicine to free yourself.
as i look at my life and know that i am and will never be happy, only because my choices were at best the wrong path but that is the question: in that moment in time, how did we know we would be making the wrong choice?
we did not.
i do not believe that either because is a gut feeling you get when you are making choices and you know they feel wrong but you do them anyways. the other factor is that we make those choices for the wrong reason, then you realize when you get older how ungrateful you are for your own personal damage.
the choices should be for yourself and not for the gain of someone else.
take for instance last night. i did something for my son because i wanted to support him but in that moment i knew it would trigger my bad choices from the past which lead to other unforgiving actions.
i am sure that whatever happened didn’t really merit an audience or even the self pitty pot i am feeling this morning only that although i thought i was doing good for my son was in the worse interest for me. my feelings stirred up a whole bunch of garbage and feelings of anger.
it is good to be self aware but it is also intelligent to understand the moment
alas, in the end, the choices were there for a reason. maybe it is to make me realize the past isn’t that forgiving or possibility to avoid certain situations. whatever the case, i only have myself to blame for my choices.